A tale about learning how to know oneself in the empty moments, and how to find/regain balance as the different stages of life bring with them bittersweet endings and new beginnings.
The past two years have been a game changer for me. For years, I took advantage of my own solitude. This is to say, I learned to enjoy my own company above all else and truly began paying attention to who I really am inside. At one point, I followed the signs which led me to find the time and space to simply listen to myself... away from all ‘distractions’. For twelve days, I literally disappeared from society. Aside from my parents, my brother, and a close friend, no one really knew where I had gone (no, there was no FB or Twitter "status update").
It happened around this time, close to 7 years ago. Although this place is found in a beautiful secluded forest three hours aways from the closest town, there is nothing particularly extraordinary about it. Nothing except for one thing: it allows you to turn off the chitchat going on in your mind for an extended period of time. The second that happens, you begin listening to something very few us can do out here in the “real world” - inner silence.
Although I was not “alone” per se given that there were a number of other people I had never met or seen before there, it wasn’t difficult to truly feel like I was on my own. The fact of the matter was that in order to be there, each of us had committed to observe a “code of silence” and refrained from interacting with each other at any given point (until the 10th day). There were no smart phones, books, music players, cigarettes, alcohol, or even pen and paper to write on. There was simply a dining hall (where food was carefully prepared and left there for us), a few dorms, a meditation hall, and a few hundred meters of forest enclosed within a perimeter of rope. That rope marked the boundary between the “outside world” and the “inner silence” circle.
The first couple of days were extremely difficult, not only for me personally, but also for everyone else who was uninitiated in the art of Vipassana (and no, this has nothing to do with any particular religion or faith). So difficult that within those 48 hrs, as many as twelve of them disappeared from the center without our knowledge. Little by little, day after day, less people remained. Put simply, our minds aren’t used to be put on ‘mute mode,’ and the moment they perceive a lack of “something to do,” “something to get amused with,” or “something to judge,” they desperately look for a way out. Thus, they automatically go into flight mode, convincing us (often successfully) to abandon the scene as quickly as possible.
Little by little, breath by breath, the silence I speak of begins to emerge. As the turbulent waters of your mind settle, it becomes easier to "see" your reflection on the clarity of the water’s surface, and so you dive in deeper. Then, out of nowhere, you lose yourself in it. Sometimes it takes seconds, sometimes minutes, sometimes hours or even days, but somewhere within that silence, you begin hearing something else. I’ve never really been able to describe it with a word, all I know is that it’s something that is always there waiting to be heard; waiting to be felt.
Brazilian author, Paulo Coelho, sums it up best:
Without solitude, no plant or animal can survive, no soil can remain productive, no child can learn about life, no artist can create, no work can grow and be transformed. Solitude is not the absence of Love, but its complement. Solitude is not the absence of company, but the moment when our soul is free to speak to us help us decide what to do with our life.
- From The Manuscript Found in Accra
Suffice to say that within the span of those 10 days of silence, I came to know myself much closer than I had ever known myself. I learned that mind and body are only half the story; that there are more sides to ourselves, and that they are never really hidden.
The day I re-entered society and turned my phone ON, there was a period of time of great clarity and peacefulness I felt within me. Little by little, as my mind began to awaken from its dormant state, the chitchat slowly returned. Thankfully, by then, I had understood a way to quiet it down in those precious moments of solitude I could squeeze in daily in my ‘busy’ schedule full of deadlines, commitments, and responsibilities. Nevertheless, reaching the same state I had experienced in that center and forest proved hard to replicate.
As most things in life, one thing led to another. Years passed and some chapters came to and end, while others began being written. Little did I know that within the brand new Chapter entitled “My Life in Japan,” my days as a wolf exploring new territories on my own were counted, and that soon I would get a chance to form a pack of my own. Be that as it may, my first year here was incredible. The idea of exploring a land so different from anything I had ever experienced solo was truly a dream come true. I managed to see many of Japan’s Prefectures and climb a number of spectacular mountains (both literally and figuratively) at my own pace and in my own way.
At one point, I even told myself:
“Man, I can see myself doing the solo thing and hanging out with myself for years to come.”
Then, just like Lennon once mentioned that “Life’s what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” BOOOM! The Universe surprised me and that story came to an unanticipated, yet absolutely magnificent end. Within months, I got married and received the blessing of becoming a father not long later. Then again BOOM, my family got bigger and a lot more A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Suffice to say that I LOVE the stage of life where I currently find myself in. Nevertheless, that’s not to say that it hasn’t come with its list of challenges and at times... frustrations.
As any parent out there knows, it is much easier being alone sometimes. This largely has to do with having your own space and time to pretty much do whatever you like. This can be especially difficult if you are someone who truly enjoys your own company, likes spontaneity, and likes to flow without defined plans. The moment you reach the stage of life I’m in, all of (or at least most of) that goes out the window. Thus, it falls on you to device a way to relearn how to find the balance you think you’ve lost.
Ultimately though, the fact is that there is a proper time for everything. There is a reason and a particular moment for the things that make life worth living come into play. Only by understanding this well can you truly move onward. Thus, sometimes all you can do is wait patiently for the right moment to act.
After all, what is Life other than a great cycle of movement? A cycle within which there are stages that must be gone through... In this sense, it’s easier to be mindful of the fact that everything is temporary, and that even the challenging times come to pass.
Lately, I’m beginning to see the usefulness of each step I’ve taken. Though at times, I yearn for the blessing of solitude I once enjoyed and the freedom that came with it, I don’t think there’s anything new I could learn from it. For one reason or the other, that stage has passed for me. Now that I find myself surrounded by so much joy and love on a daily basis, there is little else to do other than enjoy these passing moments for all their worth.
It’s all about allowing the Universe to let you guide you without the urge to walk neither faster nor slower than you’re really ready for.
It starts with silence.
